Tell first, then ask for exactly what you want.
Happy Sunday everyone!
Today I want to share a reflection I recently had. It’s this idea that we should firmly tell others what we want before asking for it. I’ll elaborate.
So we all know that if you don’t ask, you don’t get, yes? Okay, but then how do you ask something to increase your chances of getting a yes?
Well first, it requires an effective tell.
Example 1: Relationships
In the simplest form, let’s say I want to ask someone out for dinner. Here’s one way to do this:
Would you like to go for dinner?
It’s a simple question and it often works but here’s how I believe we should be saying it:
I’d like to have dinner with you virtually with a Nando’s takeaway next weekend because I’d like to get to know you better. Would you give me a chance to do that?
The difference here is that I told the person exactly what I wanted and all they had to do was accept or deny a very specific ask. “Give me a chance” to “get to know you better”.
We should avoid setting people up to respond to questions that allow too much consideration. Give all the details and then make it simple.
Example 2: Friendships
You could say:
Would you like to get a coffee sometime?
Or maybe:
I’d like to catch up and find out more about how you’re getting on with your work over a coffee next week. Would you be free on wednesday afternoon to have a chat about that?
Isn’t that better? Imagine if someone told you that. You have all the information laid out in front of you to accept or deny. But it’s slightly harder to deny, isn’t it? That’s the key.
Fear of rejection
I can’t talk about this and not mention our good friend. One of the major reasons a lot of us have sub-optimal question structures is because of our fear of the response. Or actually, how that response might be linked to our self-worth or work.
But actually, when you do this with an intentional tell and a specific ask, it’s much easier not to internalize their answer. You’ve laid everything out, it is what it is. If they accept, great. And if not, you tried your best.
We move.
Takeaway
Spend more time crafting an elaborate tell and ask a very specific question that requires a yes or no.
At worst, they say no or ignore you. And if it doesn’t fit their schedule, or they don’t want to eat Nando’s, they’ll tell you what works better. But essentially, you’ve already got the yes.
And it’s not even a selfish endeavor. You’re minimizing their mental clutter, even for those few seconds that they take to decide. Basically, you’re doing them a huge favor.
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About Me
My name is Arun and I'm a 4th-year medical student at King's College London. I'm also a certified personal trainer and fitness photographer.
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