Hey everyone!
For the first time, I’m writing this newsletter in a cafe and it feels very cool. I’m the only one here alone but in many ways, that’s how I love spending my time (which might explain why I keep going on first dates but that’s for another reflection).
So in this newsletter, I wanted to share my reflection on dating and how my personal growth has affected my approach over the years. It’s definitely something I wished I had refined earlier as it would have saved me a lot of time and money.
But, it is what it is.
Main points
Dating optimization is not necessary but it can make things more meaningful for you and your date/potential partner.
Having a better approach to dating is highly beneficial for your physical and mental well-being.
We must avoid overthinking in every step of the process.
We must be present as much as possible.
Never feel the need to spend a significant amount of money on a date. Save it for the person that makes you stop going on first dates with other people.
Display your passions and why they mean something to you. It’s very attractive.
Don’t spend too much time trying to make things work. They will work naturally. And if not, move on.
The dating construct
This is important to me because dating and relationships can directly affect our physical and mental health. Making the right choices, for yourself and your partner (or date) can significantly improve your health and personal growth.
But unfortunately, a lot of us (me including) have unsavory, and often toxic ideals with dating that won’t ever help us. So I just wanted to briefly share how I’ve worked on it over time.
But before I get into how I optimize the first date in my favor, I want you to keep in mind that this is from the perspective of a straight man dating women. I can imagine this to be very different with the roles reversed or if it’s a non-heterosexual relationship too. I would very much love to understand why my perspective does not apply to you.
Either way, when we start to improve our mindset towards dating, we can find people more suitable for us and also create a healthier environment for everyone.
Modules
I’ve learned a lot about dating and relationships over the last 11 years of adulthood. While there have been many moments I cherish, I can confidently say that I’ve made many mistakes while displaying toxic tendencies towards multiple people.
I wished I could reverse that, but the best I can do now is to work on myself and be a better person to others.
Let me break down the first date into these modules that intrigue me:
Asking someone out
Choosing the location + activity
Pre-date small talk + expectations
On date conversation
Who pays?
The exit move
Asking someone out
There are many women I wished I asked out but never did because of my fear of rejection. I don’t have any regrets but I’m not pleased with how long I took to overcome a lot of those fears.
But basically, don’t put people on a pedestal. They are just like you and the worst that can happen is that they don’t want to do whatever you asked them to. And we must never lose sight of their right to reject us. We must always be respectful of that and there’s nothing for us to take personally.
And in all cases, never forget that rejection is a modifiable statistic. When things don’t work out, you learn and reflect before trying it elsewhere.
But, if you’re going to do it, use the structure I outlined in a previous newsletter here to optimize the ask.
Don’t make people overthink these few hours they are going to spend with you. Tell them exactly what you would like to do and only give them the ability to say yes or no. Make it super easy by giving them all the details.
If that doesn’t work, you’ve done your best.
Choosing date location + activity
When I was less assured of myself, I felt an immense need to create amazing experiences, often with great food and drinks. This is perfect if you enjoy that but I never did. I just thought this might impress them and this is what other guys would do. As always, it’s stupid.
The main thing I needed to do was have a great time while sharing this experience with another being. Overthinking activities and trying to inflate yourself, or even worse, distract your date from how much you actually dislike yourself, is not going to work in the long run.
If you’re the one deciding on the location and activity, choose something that you or your date is passionate about. Showing your passion in real-time can be ridiculously attractive.
It also makes you feel confident and can properly display who you really are. And for many of you, that’s something that might often be hidden in social situations.
Oh and one more thing, don’t spend too much money on the first date. If someone likes you on a well-crafted date where you spend nearly nothing, you’ve absolutely nailed it. Save that for the second date.
Pre-date small talk + expectations
I don’t believe in the need for small-talk before a date but I understand that this is, at times, important for women to assess whether it’s safe to go out with a guy. That’s a whole other issue that requires its own newsletter. But when possible, I would say keep this to the minimum.
And also, don’t build up expectations on how you should be or how the date should be, and how amazing that person is going to be. Live in the present and enjoy the date when it comes.
On date conversations
In the past, I had an unnecessary amount of anxiety around what I was going to talk about during a date. I also cringed at the thought of awkward silences.
And honestly, that only happened on dates with people that were just not right. Some of my best dates had natural flowing conversations but also beautiful silences that felt right.
The main thing is, be honest about what you care about. Always be open and share with this person what the world means to you. If they don’t respond well to it, so be it. There’s no need to waste more time.
Who pays?
This is an overinflated topic but it matters. I have no issue with someone else paying for me but if I ask someone out on a date, I take on the host role and will usually insist on paying. But I only insist lightly.
I will give in when she insists a second time. It’s all part of the game and of course, you have the, “I’ll pay for this, and you pay for the next one” song and dance.
But anyway, as I mentioned earlier, I usually go on dates where I probably only pay for coffee or one drink. It’s very simple.
But just saying for the guys reading this, don’t fall for this construct and never expect someone to do something you want just because you paid. Leave all that behind.
The exit move
Always remember that it’s okay to leave whenever you want. Time is limited, and if you’re not feeling it, just politely bid farewell. There is no need to stay just to be nice. It will just mislead them and waste both your time.
And if you take my advice and do a simple date which isn’t a full meal, it’ll be easy to leave.
One thing you could do is plan to take a walk for an hour and then if you had a great 60, ask them if they’d like to grab a coffee or some food. Easy exit if necessary but you also have options to actually do more.
Can this be hurtful for your date? Of course. But if you display respect and honesty, that’s not exactly your problem.
Conclusion
I’m aware that a lot of this might take the spark out of dating but I can tell you honestly that some of my best dates came from this optimization practice. And I believe that the main reason for that is it allowed me to truly be who I am without letting multiple useless dating beliefs overwhelm me.
And that’s my main point really. It’s not that deep. With dating and many other social activities, we embark on, we must do what feels right for us. The right person will enjoy you in your natural state. There is no point in putting up a facade that you cannot sustain through the initial stages of the relationship.
And finally, at the end of the day, being great on the first date, and dating, in general, requires practice. Just don’t overthink the whole construct. Have meaningful experiences with people while being honest and respectful every single time.
That’s all from me, I will continue testing out my first date optimization theories but hopefully, not for too long. And also, let me know if there’s anything here you would’ve liked me to expand on.
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About Me
My name is Arun and I'm a 4th-year medical student at King's College London. I'm also a certified personal trainer and lifestyle photographer.
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For thoughts about this newsletter, please drop an email at hello@arunjayaraj.com
Such a massively helpful post; thanks so much Arun!!